Setting in

Everyone has setbacks. Some are no more than small minor irritations that collect like dust on the surface of our lifes. Others are like avalanches. They bury, they smother, they suffocate. The loss of a parent, the splintering of a seemingly airtight relationship. Doesn't matter what it is. We all have our problems to deal with.

I have been checking the mail anxiously for the last week. Been waiting on a check, the return of the downpayment on I house I almost owned. The house I almost got my hands on. Major setback, but I am not disappointed. Waiting for disappointment to set in and it hasn't. I tried my best. I did everything that I was supposed to do, and it didn't happen. Don't really understand why it didn't happen but I accept it.

And this acceptance bothers me. Never been one for denial and suppression of feelings. Always been a confrontational rile against the universe kind of girl. But this is different. This is a calm, ruthless kind of acceptance and I don't know what to do with. Perhaps I've finally ran out of ammunition. Perhaps the universe is finally sick of my tantrums, and my belly-aching about what I deserve. Lots of people deserve more than what they get. And I certainly don't deserve anything more than anyone else. Haiti comes to mind. Haiti with its innumerable sufferings.

Oh well, so this setback didn't give me the nasty little burn my inner masochist is craving... As I sit in my nice safe home (albeit rented), I don't feel disappointed, just grateful for everything else, and that is what is finally setting in.