Loads and loads of it

An ad hoc snow removal committee gathered this afternoon on the frozen tundra that used to be our parking lot. I'm not a planner by design. Many of my actions are formed intuitively and snow removal seemed to fall under this same rubric. So after several minutes of complaining on the phone to my mother (her princess was after all in distress), I was at a complete loss of what to do.

The plow trucks had created a 5 foot tall impenetrable wall of snow around my car; essentially a snow cozy from hell had eaten my car. The president elect of the snow committee sauntered over to me, introduced himself and offered his condolences. Yes sir, it was a shame that they had plowed me in. And yes, I did have a lot of work to do. And yes, it would be much better if I had a shovel because my sponge mop was not quite getting the job done. A carpenter is only as good as his tools but it certainly wasn't the poor hapless mop's fault that I sucked at shoveling.


I guess Mr. President meant well; eventually, he produced a shovel, which meant it was time to start shoveling, which was of course bullshit. Shoveling bullshit. Loads and loads of it.


It was at this point that a neighbor kid offered to help me. And all he asked for in return was $50 dollars. I laughed openly at the ambitious little upstart. After all, he already had his parents' cars to dig out. I didn't commit to a specific dollar amount. I mean, who was this kid fooling? Plus, at this point I finally had a back up plan.

Screw you snow! So what if I didn't have a boyfriend to do my shoveling? My best friend has a boyfriend who is young, strong, and very eager to please. For the past two years, he had been competing with me for her love, but good naturedly. And since it made her happy, he helped me graciously.

Captain Boyfriend arrived just in time. I was just getting to know Neighbor Kid. He was hustling up money to pay for his Boost mobile phone. Sometimes it's best not to know too much about your neighbors but neighbor kid was a fascinating geyser of mannisms. He explained that he had been compelled to help me. It wasn't right that a woman should be shoveling snow by herself, and it was a shame that none of the other men had offered to help me. As he chattered on amiably, I laughed at his boyish audacity.

The snow committee was still standing (literally standing around) because apparently they needed a plan. Neighbor Kid and I scornfully agreed that they were wasting time. Just shovel it. Captain Boyfriend had transformed into a human snow plow, and had demolished at least one third of my snow cozy, while the committee (about 8 people) had accomplished nothing. To be honest, Neighbor kid and I were only shovelers in theory. We were easily distracted and took to throwing snow around and climbing on top of things.

Eventually, Neighbor Kid decided that it would be a good idea if I helped him dig out his mom's car. Again I laughed. Of course I would help the adorable little chauvinist. I am a woman, and a mother, and more importantly, I am bigger than the ambitious upstart.

Captain boyfriend finished digging me out, and didn't even have the decency to complain about it. He refused my offer of homemade cookies. When I took him to the gas station, he offered to pump my gas, and tried to pay for my gas with the money I was forcing him to take in payment.

I was starting to admire Neighbor Kid and his ulterior motives. The kid had me on the hook for cash, and chicken nuggets from McDonald's, and this was after I helped him dig out. Then Captain Boyfriend revealed that Neighbor Kid thought that I was pretty, and that he hadn't appreciated Captain Boyfriend's interfering. Now THAT disturbing, ulterior motive, I had not suspected.

When I returned to the parking lot, the committee had just started the actual digging. They were still talking about how dire my situation had been earlier, and throwing the hardening chunks of snow in the street. I heard Mr. President bragging to my neighbor (fake flower patio-garden lady to be exact) how he had loaned me the shovel. I shook my head. Mr. President was finally shoveling loads, and loads of bullshit.